Thursday, March 23, 2006

Video of the Millenium: Scare Bears!

The reactions I got to the “Dad scares kid” video got me thinking about what a bunch of pussies children are. So, when I’m not touring foreign cities (so you don’t have to!) and sticking it to, I’ve been putting together a video that actually does something about it!

You’ve heard that children are the future, right? Well, if that’s the case, then we're setting ourselves up to get our asses kicked! Hey, I’ve been all over the globe in the last month. I’ve had to pretend I’m Canadian just to keep from getting my ass kicked. That ain’t right.

Who’s fault is that? Care Bears.

I’ve believed for a long time that Care Bears are blatant propaganda to teach kids to be soft, touchy-feely pansies. They just outright ignore the harsh realities of the world. Why aren't they telling kids what to do when caring and sharing don’t cut it? When the chips are down and your back’s up against the wall, who's going to teach the kids what to do?

So I’m doing something about it. I’m creating a new line of cuddly animals that teach kids what I know all too well: that the world is tough. That you gotta fight and get your hands dirty. And no little animals are going to help your sorry ass. They’re just going to sit around and laugh at you. They might even kick you when your down, if they feel like it.

Unfortunately, I can’t draw or animate or anything like that, so I had to co-opt some footage. This is my pitch to whatever toy company is reading this: market cuddly toy animals that teach kids that life sucks and then you die, and that sucks too.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye, ‘cuz here come the Scare Bears!
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