Monday, March 13, 2006


Amsterdam >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Well, I take back what I said about Miami. THIS place is freakin’ NU75! It’s like Dr. Seuss exploded inside an IKEA, which then also exploded. And then Larry Flynt moved in.

The Amsterdam flag actually says XXX! Nice of them to point that out!

Most people here seem to speak English. That’s lucky. Haven’t had much trouble getting around at all. Except that Dutch people on bikes will run your ass over. It’s like a nation of bike messengers. Without anything to deliver. It’s like a nation of unemployed bike messengers! That’s actually a terrifying thought.

In the spirit of trying new things, I went to a “coffee shop” and ordered some “coffee.” Woke up ten hours later in a puddle of my own vomit with my passport and wallet missing, handcuffed to a man in a dress. J/K! I didn’t feel anything. I think it was just ordinary coffee. Rip off.

They’ve got a lot of museums here. Half the GNP must come from the museums. (The other half from da hoochies.) There’s a sex museum (w00t!), a weed museum, a museum of Dutch Resistance (Yeah, right. Where’s the Museum of Getting Bitch-Slapped by Germans?) There’s a pipe museum that claims to have the longest pipe in the world. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! And then there’s…

(No photos were allowed, so here’s an approximation.)

…the RED LIGHT DISTRICT! Hoo-boy! It doesn’t seem too hard out here for a pimp. Wow. Gives new meaning to “window shopping,” if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. I could have totally hit that. But I didn’t, let me tell you why...

I met a girl!! She’s a French chick, she was in the hostel where I’m staying. Chantal. I must have spent hours telling her about my h4x0r skillz and my Dogpile mission and my concepts for advanced metasearch and stuff. She’s touring Europe, too, post-college. She forgot to give me her number, but she knows where to find my email. We totally made a connection.

Y’know, after the incident at the pub in London, I thought about doing what they say and putting a Canadian flag on my bag while I’m in Europe. But I don’t really want people to think I’m some bitch-ass Canadian. Not sure why foreigners would give Canada a free ride and not the country that saved their ass in two wars. But if they’re so itchin’ to get into it with Americans that we have to pretend to be from another country, I thought I’d go one better and make a Palestinian flag to put on my bag. And I think it’s working. People don’t really bug me when I’m out, and I can tell their looking at me like, watch out! That guy could be dangerous! Damn straight!

As for Dogpile, what can be said about Mr. Tommy Lancaster? Harvard graduate. Regional Vice President. Pwned. Tommy was a bit of a stick in the mud at Dogpile. Not very hip and quite a bit older than most of the folks at the company. I think he knows more about business than computers. He didn’t like my ideas very much. Not even the search filter that filters out everything that isn’t porn. (Stop laughing. Just try to explain why it’s a bad idea. You can’t.) So I “borrowed” his diploma. Who’s the Harvard grad now?!

Thought a place like Amsterdam would be a good place to hide his diploma. He’d probably freak out if he came over here. He’ll have to send the receptionist.

P.S. Bill Gates, Sony called and they want their PSP back! :-D



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