Wednesday, April 05, 2006

End of Line

End of Line >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I’m back in Seattle. It’s still cold and crappy. But I’m wiser and more worldly. I’ve gone deep into the heart of other cultures and explored the farthest reaches of the civilized world. I’ve amassed the kind of vast knowledge it would take a lesser man years to amass. For instance:

- Booze is the great equalizer. All cultures are the same when hammered.
- Europeans are all about boobs.
- There’s a Starbucks down the block. This is always true.
- Never trust a French chick.
- There are a lot of gay people.
- Australia is just the right amount of foreign.
- Never count on other people to have a sense of humor.

And, most importantly,

My kung fu is best.

That’s right. After a month of hacking into Dogpile’s servers and leaving behind digital breadcrumbs and words of wisdom (in delightful red text, check it out), Dogpile still hasn’t caught onto me. The stuffs still there. You just have to make the right search to find it. But I’ll make it easy for you guys who read my blog. You are my people, after all. Plug these words in, and you’ll get the clues to where I’ve hid the Dogpile goodies:

Seattle: Emmett
San Francisco: Marbled Godwit
Los Angeles: Buttram
Dallas: transhumanism
Boulder: shenanigans
Miami: chicks
London: Peanut Butter Jelly Time
Amsterdam: handcuffed
Berlin: sweet
Milan: Gisselle
Sydney: snuck
New Zealand: kiwi

If anybody finds any of the stuff I hid, let me know. Send me a picture of you and the thingy! Since I’ve taken “search” to the next, ultimate level, I want to know if anyone is actually up to it, or if I’m just ahead of my time. Dogpile clearly seemed to think so.

Though I guess I can’t be too hard on Dogpile. If it weren’t for them, I probably wouldn’t have had a reason to go on my worldwide tour of awesome. And I wouldn’t be the first person to take online search and expand it into the real world. And now, that’s probably what I’ll be remembered for. Not that I don’t have equally bitchin’ stuff I’m working on, but, you know, famous people are always remembered for one thing, and not necessarily their best work. Though this was pretty cool.

I had a lot of fun, all things considered. You can’t even imagine the stuff I didn’t tell you about. Like the, um, indecent proposal in Miami or my run-in with the man in Dallas. I’m not going to go into that stuff, you’ll just have to guess the details.

And who knows? Maybe I’ll go on another trip again soon. I’m afraid I might go stir crazy staying in one place, now. I may be a wanderer at heart. With my laptop, I can work on my projects from anywhere, so I can be kind of a gypsy hacker. That would be cool.

You know what I am? I’m the virtual/reality hub. I am the waypoint between the digital and the real. Metaphorically. Does that make any sense? What I mean is, I put the wisdom of the internet to use in the real world, and infuse the internet with real world wisdom. In a way, I am the internets mighty fist. I am its instrument. It’s like my destiny, I bet.

The people are bright and certain,
Where I am dim and confused;
The people are clever and wise,
Where I am dull and ignorant;
Aimless as a wave drifting over the sea,
Attached to nothing.

The people are busy with purpose,
Where I am impractical and rough;
I do not share the peoples' cares
But I am fed at nature's breast.

(That’s LaoTze, by the way.)

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Auckland >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

NZ…where the men are men and the sheep are careful! Actually, I was told not to say that to a Kiwi, especially when drunk. Which means I haven’t spoken to anyone since I got here. OH NO HE DI’N’T!

Amin naa e’ened kemen, y’all! So, check it, I’m in Middle Earth! I’ve been calling all the short people I see “hobbitses” in my Gollum voice. Let me tell you, that gets you some dirty looks! :-D Except I don’t think they actually filmed the movies in Auckland. I thought about taking one of those LotR tours, but I don’t think I can stay here all that long. It’s been the better part of a day and I can’t seem to find an ATM anywhere. But that’s cool. I still think Star Wars (original three, non-special editions) is the better trilogy. You can try to argue all you want, but you’re wrong. Eat it.

There’s not a lot to do here. Weather is still that weird, sub-equatorial kind of crappy. It’s raining, but really warm. I checked some tourist pamphlets, and this place is pretty dull. I‘m definitely not going to some place called “Sheepworld.” That sounds like the most disappointing theme park ever. (Maybe it’s a singles bar. Snap!) Don’t really care about the America’s Cup village, which is conveniently located not in America. What’s up with that? They’ve got the tallest building in the southern hemisphere here. Big frickin’ whoop. What else you got in the southern hemisphere, anyway? Other than Australia, just part of Africa, South America and Antarctica. So, they coulda built a waterslide and it would have been the tallest. That would be one awesome water slide, though.

This whole place is surrounded by volcanoes. They’re supposed to be dormant, but it still makes me nervous. I wonder which one they used for Mount Doom in the movie. Someone could probably make a living just collecting all the rings the tourist fanboys drop into the volcanoes here! Hey, wait a minute. You don’t think…

Noooooo! Mr. T! Think about the kids! :-D

Not sure why New Zealanders call themselves “Kiwis.” They named themselves after small, flightless, nocturnal birds. Or, perhaps, the small, fuzzy fruit named after the small, flightless, nocturnal birds. What kind of self-image does a person have to have to do that? They might as well call themselves “Newzies.” Ha ha. N00z!

I feel kind of sad that my long, strange trip is coming to an end. I’ve already hid my last Dogpile item. I went a ways out to hide it. I’m not all that gay for scenery, but there are places here, when you get out of the city, are pretty awesome.

Though I guess there would have to be… they filmed Xena here! Does that make me Autolycus, king of theives? Yes. Yes it does.

This is what I see every time I close my eyes.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when I get back to Seattle. Look for work, I guess. Unless Dogpile wants me back. They may want to arrest me for stealin’ all their crap. I don’t know, maybe I’ll just keep tourin’, cuz man, I really don’t want to deal with the real world again. The real world sucks. Scare Bears represent, yo.

Hey, if anybody reading this has any good leads on a company that might be looking for IT or programming staff, let me know. Hell, Microsoft is having problems with the new version of Office. They could probably use me! :-P


Monday, March 27, 2006


Sydney >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Well, Europe was fun, but I’m almost out of stuff, so I thought I’d take the long puddle jump over to Australia before I’m all done. The flight was like being in Airport ’75 redux – extended version…how many peanuts I ate, only my colon knows for sure.

Warmer weather, funny animals and people who speak English. It’s actually kinda cloudy and rainy here, but still really warm. So that’s cool. But it’s not really beach weather, which sux. The beaches here are top-optional. Awwww, yeah. You know it had to be a guy who came up with that rule. I’d like to get some of that action while it’s free, if you know what I mean!

This place is really pretty awesome. The sucky weather isn’t really a prob, since my complexion is like space- ghost white. I'd probably be covered in blisters from falling asleep on these big sandy shark-infested beaches.

Leave it to the British to find a country nicer than their own and turn it into a prison. Stupid limeys! They should have moved here and left the convicts in England. They could have snuck out in the middle of the night and not told anybody.

I’m disappointed that there aren’t kangaroos and wallabies and shit running around the city. I guess they’re in more rural areas. But there’s some crazy-ass birds here. Free-roaming cockateels! They must have really lax security at the pet stores here! :-D I saw some ibis, too. Neat. Also some other weird birds I didn’t recognize. I wonder why a new species of human didn’t evolve here, considering all the animals are outta the Lost World.

There is one place you can find kangaroos and wallabies… the restaurants! Holy crap! No, I don’t want to eat ostrich, dickweed! I guess you gotta use what you have, right? If the country was filled with yak, they’d eat yak. That would make me yak. Womp womp. See how I did that there?

There’s a science museum here with a cool exhibit on computers, but they also have an exhibit on Kylie Minogue. I guess in Australia, they consider Kylie Minogue to be the height of technology! Not that I wouldn’t mind having one of those plugged in in my living room!

I wonder if they make one in Debbie Gibson?

Speaking of which, pretty much every city I’ve visited so far has a “gay neighborhood.” (Yes, I noticed. Shut up.) Do all cities have these? Even, like, Salt Lake City? Or Lancaster? Vatican City? If anyone knows, write in! I’m curious. (Shut up!!)

Of all the stuff I nabbed from Dogpile, this is probably the meanest… but I figure if Doug (I think these are Doug’s) left these on his desk overnight, they’re probably not all that important. They’re probably not to his house or car. And hey, Doug, you have an excuse to go on vacation now! Australia’s really cool. You can thank me later.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Video of the Millenium: Scare Bears!

The reactions I got to the “Dad scares kid” video got me thinking about what a bunch of pussies children are. So, when I’m not touring foreign cities (so you don’t have to!) and sticking it to, I’ve been putting together a video that actually does something about it!

You’ve heard that children are the future, right? Well, if that’s the case, then we're setting ourselves up to get our asses kicked! Hey, I’ve been all over the globe in the last month. I’ve had to pretend I’m Canadian just to keep from getting my ass kicked. That ain’t right.

Who’s fault is that? Care Bears.

I’ve believed for a long time that Care Bears are blatant propaganda to teach kids to be soft, touchy-feely pansies. They just outright ignore the harsh realities of the world. Why aren't they telling kids what to do when caring and sharing don’t cut it? When the chips are down and your back’s up against the wall, who's going to teach the kids what to do?

So I’m doing something about it. I’m creating a new line of cuddly animals that teach kids what I know all too well: that the world is tough. That you gotta fight and get your hands dirty. And no little animals are going to help your sorry ass. They’re just going to sit around and laugh at you. They might even kick you when your down, if they feel like it.

Unfortunately, I can’t draw or animate or anything like that, so I had to co-opt some footage. This is my pitch to whatever toy company is reading this: market cuddly toy animals that teach kids that life sucks and then you die, and that sucks too.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye, ‘cuz here come the Scare Bears!

Monday, March 20, 2006


Milan >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wow. What a dump. I thought Italy was all funny little boats, mafiosos and Monica Bellucci. And Milan is supposed to be one of those fashion capitals…I didn’t see one Gisselle look-alike! Not even at the café interneto. Which was just a fancy name for Guido’s Trattoria with a DSL line at the bar.

"Interneto." Italians can just stick an 'o' at the end of words and then they're magically Italian words.

It’s still cold and I’m pretty bored. The post-olympic spirit didn’t seem to hit here… not since the early greeks by all I can tell. It was probably a lot more festive when Gladiator came out on DVD. Leave it to an Aussie (Ridley Scott) and a kiwi (Russel "the phone's for you!" Crowe) to make an epic about the Roman empire.

I did the tourist thing and hit a museum to kill some time. They had a big section on Da Vinci’s inventions. He invented all kinds of crazy stuff. Machine guns and crossbows and proto-cars and helicopters and shit. And Batman’s suit, apparently. And the airport best-seller! Can’t forget that. (That book says he was tight with the Illuminati! Man, he was one bad mofo. Shut yo’ mouth! I’m just talkin’ about Da Vinci!)

Y’know, it seems weird that he came up with so much stuff that was actually practical and ahead of its time. Didn’t he have any bad ideas? I wonder if he had drawings of rennaisance versions of sporks and 8-track and webTV and stuff, but they just don’t show that because no one wants to see that crap. :-)

It’s even harder to understand people here. I thought European school systems were so superior that everyone knows five languages or something. But there’s not so much English goin’ on over here. I mean, I can speak high school Spanish, is it too much to expect some high school english from these guys? I mean, higho schoolo englisho.

The pizza here isn’t even all that fancy. They should open a CPK over here. That would rock.

While I'm on a roll, what’s the deal with Italians being uptight about stereo- types? What’s so bad about having everyone think you’re a total bad ass with money and guns and cannolis? That sounds good to me. A guy like me has to work really hard to get that kind of image. But if I was Italian, I’d be granted it by birth. That’s the kind of status you can’t buy right there. But really, if Italians don’t want to be stereotyped, stop getting jobs in Hollywood! Scorcese, Coppolla, Gandolfini. The only people who perpetrate the stereotype are Italians! It’s your own damn fault, Guido! Fuggedaboudit!

Just because I’m feeling extra bitter, I’m really hid Diane’s iPod speakers somethin’ fierce. Good luck finding these! I even had to come up with a makeshift shovel to make this one good and difficult.

Now it's time for What Did Bill Gates Say Now?: “The last thing you want to do for a shared use computer is have it be something ... with a tiny little screen.” Oh yeah? Do I need to bring this up again?

And then he said "Get a decent computer where you can actually read the text and you're not sitting there cranking the thing while you're trying to type.” Then how do you explain this, Bill?

*snort!* :-D

Oh, yeah, before anybody asks, no, I didn’t get invited to Brangelina’s wedding, even though I was totally in the neighborhood.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Video of the Day: Matrix Ping Pong!

This is a nice insight into how they did the special effects in the Matrix. (Turns out: Japanese guys wearing black.)

Friday, March 17, 2006

Video of the Day: March Madness

Wow, I don't know how they did this. Do you think it took them several tries? They must have gone through a few girls.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Berlin >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Hello, programs.

Wow, this place is depressing. Gee, do I want to go on a concentration camp tour, a communist tour or a nazi tour? I’ll take the tour of poorly cleaned public toilets instead, thanks. I mean, your not supposed to mention the war, but they keep bring it up, know what I mean? And I saw a movie theater showing the Producers. Either the Germans have a sense of humor, or there’s going to be riots.

Haven’t heard from Chantal yet. Come on, honey. I won’t wait forever! It won’t be long before I find someone new!

I took the Palestinian flag off my bag. Some security people at the train station got pissy about it. No sense of humor. (Uh-oh, there really will be riots!)

I spent my first evening here looking for a dance club to hit. They’re supposed to have bitchin’ clubs here. Of course, I don't dance, I just go for the music. It’s been snowing, and I didn’t really pack for that, so to get out of the cold I went to the first place I could find that was open. It was actually a pretty cool place. Can't remember the name. Something German, I think. They were playing some sweet house and techno music, so I spent most of the night there. Someone told me there’s a club that won’t let you in unless you’ve got your wang doodle hanging out or something. I think that’s what they said. Don’t understand German, so I kinda end up yelling english at people until someone understands.

I don't really like going out in this weather, but I knew I’d have to go out anyway to hide my Dogpile swag. So I went to take a look at some sights. They’ve got some wacky architecture here. Even the freakin’ Reichstag has some sort of nuvo dome growing out of it.

Check it out! Proof that Germany is evil! The Legion of Doom set up shop here after the Nazis left!

I spent a lot of time looking for the Relevantive offices. I found it, but apparently they don’t have tours. Sux. But I dropped off my resume. I can’t imagine moving to Berlin, though. Maybe they’ll let me telecommute! That would be sweeeeeeeeet.

Nice of them to mark spots for MILF hunting. ;-)

I don’t know who’s in this photo. I never met this guy while I was at Dogpile. Unless its the wife who works at Dogpile. I don’t know. I just grabbed it while I was leaving. But that’s a handsome family. Maybe that will be me one day. Me and Chantal. But no kids. Kids are a pain in the ass.

Speaking of which, I guess you should know that I wasn’t always the playa I am today. So I was thinkin’ of a new search option for Dogpile: meet singles while you search! You can have a cookie on your computer that knows your hometown and preferred sex and age range. Then as you search for stuff, a program determines your interests from your search words, and gives you information on singles you might like to meet! The more searching you do, the better match you get! See, it encourages further usage of the site. It’s win-win! I’m already working on the code for compiling and matching. Dogpile, give me a call. We’ll work out terms.

Froze my damn fingers off burying the photo. I gotta get out of here and go someplace nicer.


Monday, March 13, 2006


Amsterdam >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Well, I take back what I said about Miami. THIS place is freakin’ NU75! It’s like Dr. Seuss exploded inside an IKEA, which then also exploded. And then Larry Flynt moved in.

The Amsterdam flag actually says XXX! Nice of them to point that out!

Most people here seem to speak English. That’s lucky. Haven’t had much trouble getting around at all. Except that Dutch people on bikes will run your ass over. It’s like a nation of bike messengers. Without anything to deliver. It’s like a nation of unemployed bike messengers! That’s actually a terrifying thought.

In the spirit of trying new things, I went to a “coffee shop” and ordered some “coffee.” Woke up ten hours later in a puddle of my own vomit with my passport and wallet missing, handcuffed to a man in a dress. J/K! I didn’t feel anything. I think it was just ordinary coffee. Rip off.

They’ve got a lot of museums here. Half the GNP must come from the museums. (The other half from da hoochies.) There’s a sex museum (w00t!), a weed museum, a museum of Dutch Resistance (Yeah, right. Where’s the Museum of Getting Bitch-Slapped by Germans?) There’s a pipe museum that claims to have the longest pipe in the world. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! And then there’s…

(No photos were allowed, so here’s an approximation.)

…the RED LIGHT DISTRICT! Hoo-boy! It doesn’t seem too hard out here for a pimp. Wow. Gives new meaning to “window shopping,” if you know what I mean. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. I could have totally hit that. But I didn’t, let me tell you why...

I met a girl!! She’s a French chick, she was in the hostel where I’m staying. Chantal. I must have spent hours telling her about my h4x0r skillz and my Dogpile mission and my concepts for advanced metasearch and stuff. She’s touring Europe, too, post-college. She forgot to give me her number, but she knows where to find my email. We totally made a connection.

Y’know, after the incident at the pub in London, I thought about doing what they say and putting a Canadian flag on my bag while I’m in Europe. But I don’t really want people to think I’m some bitch-ass Canadian. Not sure why foreigners would give Canada a free ride and not the country that saved their ass in two wars. But if they’re so itchin’ to get into it with Americans that we have to pretend to be from another country, I thought I’d go one better and make a Palestinian flag to put on my bag. And I think it’s working. People don’t really bug me when I’m out, and I can tell their looking at me like, watch out! That guy could be dangerous! Damn straight!

As for Dogpile, what can be said about Mr. Tommy Lancaster? Harvard graduate. Regional Vice President. Pwned. Tommy was a bit of a stick in the mud at Dogpile. Not very hip and quite a bit older than most of the folks at the company. I think he knows more about business than computers. He didn’t like my ideas very much. Not even the search filter that filters out everything that isn’t porn. (Stop laughing. Just try to explain why it’s a bad idea. You can’t.) So I “borrowed” his diploma. Who’s the Harvard grad now?!

Thought a place like Amsterdam would be a good place to hide his diploma. He’d probably freak out if he came over here. He’ll have to send the receptionist.

P.S. Bill Gates, Sony called and they want their PSP back! :-D


Thursday, March 09, 2006


London >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We’ve gone INTERNATIONAL, BABY!! I think people are starting to figure out my game, so I thought I’d step it up a notch and go “across the pond!” Plus, I’ve never been to Europe before. The weather reminds me of home. And the accents are hilairous!

Even getting food is fun here. I ordered “spotted dick” just to see if they would really serve it. THEY DID! I couldn’t eat it, though. Gross. I’ll have to order “bangers and mash” before I leave. I don’t even know what that is.

Check it out! I saw London’s famous giant dildo! ROFFL! I remember this from one of the new Dr. Who's I torrented. I love the funny little clown cars they drive here. If someone snuck a Land Rover or a Hummer over here, it would be like a monster truck show. With funnier accents.

I’ve asked a few people if they know where I can buy some albatross. No one seems to get it. Where’s the national pride?

I actually had a weird thing happen while I was checking out a pub. A British guy asked me who I was rooting for in the World Cup, 'cause I think he was looking to mess with tourists. He was probably expecting me to say the US, but I told him in the states, soccer is considered ghey. He got mad and they asked me to leave. I think they felt emasculated. Pussies.

Stopped by Buckingham Palace. That was pretty cool. If anyone is keeping a log of things that don’t work on the guards, heres some to add:

- Asking if they have Prince Albert in a can
- Offering them a crunchy frog
- Peanut Butter Jelly Time
- Page 3 of the Sun (Why don’t our newspapers have this? Greatest nation my ass.)

The NamcoStation here is 'bloody wicked!' It’s a lot like GameWorks back home, but with bumper cars and gambling and probably hookers
if you look hard enough. Rocked my socks.

Went to another palace to hide the Super Happy Monkey Award I made for myself. For those of you just tuning in, these are awards they hand out at Dogpile. I don’t know what the monkey or the racecar is about, but I like it. I didn’t get one during my time, but I nabbed some of the materials when I left. Made myself a couple. Guess I probably should have stashed this in Miami, at the Monkey Jungle. That would have been better. Man, I always get good ideas too late.

Why the hell is there a Washington Monument in England? I guess everyone was kinda British back then.



Miami >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now this is what I’m talkin' about! Tropical weather and Spring Break 365 days of the year! Turns out that last part isn’t true. But I did hit the beach to scout out some camel toads. Man oh Manos! Got really sunburned, too. That doesn’t happen in Seattle.

This place is teh cr4zy! There was a big Mardi Gras party goin’ on when I arrived on friday. I’m pretty sure Mardi Gras was the previous tuesday, but I guess that’s how they roll here. (Internationally recognized Gregorian time demarcations? For pussies) Wyclef Jean was playing, which was pretty cool. Lotsa hot chicks, too. Though some of them may have been guys. I think they should have to tell you if they are, like undercover cops.

Hit all the important hot spots. Like the Alienware store. (The Area-51 ALX? Awesome.) Went to a place called “Monkey Jungle.” They have a lot of monkeys there. Saw some monkeys swimming. I mentioned to some of the staff that they should dress up some monkeys in clothes, but they didn’t seem receptive to that. It would be a good draw IMHO. Where else are you going to see live monkeys dressed up? Just the circus, and circuses are fuckin creepy.

Also hit the World Chess Hall of Fame. Pretty badass. But Deep Blue isn’t in there. Deep Blue pwned Kasparov in ’97, bitches! You better represent! (Kasparov isn't in there, either. Probably because he got served by a computer.)

Okay, Dogpilers, my latest spoil of war is hidden and waiting. This one’s got some pretty interesting conversations on it. Slightly drunk conversations. Bruce, Deana, I’m looking at you.

Oh, and thanks to everyone whose sent me their support on this. I appreciate the offers to hide stuff in your town, but I gotta keep this stealth. I don’t want anyone to know where this stuff is but me. If you want it, you gotta find it. Nobody gets a free ride!

P.S. Gwerdna, I salute you.


Friday, March 03, 2006

Video of the Day: Dad Scares Kid

Is this really funny or just really messed up?

Okay, it's pretty messed up. But isnt it a father's duty to prepare his child for this kind of thing? Now if this kid accidentally catches a rerun of Pufnstuff, he won't have to spend a weekend hiding in the closet like I did when I saw it at his age. ;-D

(j/k. I was hardcore when I was a kid.)

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Boulder >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I’m in Boulder. Whoop-de-friggin-doo. I came here because I knew I could crash on the couch of one of my Warcraft buddies. Dude looks out for a brotha! Respekt!

Boulder’s an outdoorsy place. Not really my thing, and its pretty damn cold, so I don’t know what the hell to do. Man, I’m not having much luck with weather on this trip. I really should have gone to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Caught me some of that bead action.

Thought about going to check out NORAD, or the real South Park, but my buddy doesn’t want to drive all that way. Whatever.
This city is surrounded by moutains, which is kinda freaky. I guess as long as they’re not volcanic and they’re aren’t any inbred mountain men, it’s okay. But I can’t help but think, perfect place for an ambush.

Dug through my sack of Dogpile goodies and braved the weather to drop it in a good spot. Woulda held onto this one, but I’ve already got one at home. “Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler…….”

Y’know, I got an IM from Bob at Dogpile. At least some of the peeps are aware of my shenanigans. And apparently Diane is pissed off about her missing speakers. Hey, Diane! Maybe you shoulda gone out to get coffee with me, huh?! You cross a h4X0r, you’re gonna get pwned, baby! (Call me.)



Dallas >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was raining in Dallas, but still kinda wet-blankety. It felt like the kind of place that would be warm during a nuclear winter.

So, Texas. Home of Dell. And the president. Y’know, I thought Dubya was pretty cool at first. Like the black sheep of the family who turns into a swan. But now he’s pissing on cloning and stuff. FTS, man. (Seems hes also against animal-human hybrids now. I didn’t even know anyone was working on that.)

I’ll bet he’s against cybernetic enhancement and the whole transhumanism thing, too. What a n00bian. You know what they say, if you outlaw cyborgs, only criminals will have cyborgs.

I went to the consipiracy museum here! Man, those guys are really hung up on the JFK assassination. Get over it folks, it’s over. They didn’t have anything there about the Illuminati. Which, now that I think of it, is probably proof that they exist. Bet they have cyborgs! :-D

Made the drop of the latest Dogpile artifact while I was out looking for a place to get chow. This little baby's got some pretty juicy stuff on it. Jerry, you might want to get your boys on this one before the local hooligans find it.


Los Angeles

Los Angeles >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Well, I said I wanted warmer climes. Sweet Jeebus was it hot in LA. Seattle could use weather like that. Though all the angry garage bands wouldn’t be so angry anymore. It could ruin the local economy! :-D

Swimming Pools, Movie Stars. I saw one of the Swayzes walking his dog! At least I think it was a Swayze. Been a while since I’ve seen Steel Dawn. I suppose it could have been Dennis Quaid. Or maybe someone not famous. But I think it was a Swayze. No Debbie, tho.

Visited Shatner’s star on the Walk of Fame! w00t! And a star for someone named “Pat Buttram!” BUTT RAM! ROFFL! I think Pat should have changed his name before he became famous!

Went to the Chinese Theater – it doesn’t show kung fu movies! What’s up with that? I think that’s false advertising. Saw “Firewall” instead. The computer stuff was pretty much the typical Hollywood n00b crap, but it’s definitely the be
st of the Harrison-Ford-Saves-His-Family series. Surprising lack of firewalls, tho. They should have called it “Ipod.” “Harrison Ford in…. Ipod!”

Aaaaaaanold kicks ass! But would YOU vote for an evil robot from the future sent to enslave humanity? That’s the sort of question you have to think about these days.

Anyway, I found a nice spot to unload another Dogpile trinket. I’ll give you a hint for this one: Ann Darrow Lesbian Scene! Awwwwww, yeah.

Y’know, seeing the Swayze walking his dog got me thinking… It’s called Dogpile. People probably surf to the site all the time thinking it’s about pets or something. So how about this for a new business plan: every search comes with a picture of adorable puppies! That’ll get the girls a coo-ie! It’ll help distinguish Dogpile from all the other search engines. And the pictures can tie into your search. So if you search for, say, “Andy Richter,” you’ll get this:

Or if you search “Kid Rock Sex Tape,” I guess you’d get this:


Yeah, it’s silly, but there’s totally a market out there for this. Mis amigo’s at Dogpile, you can have this one for free. And I’ve got more where that came from! IM me, okay? But I won’t tell you where your stuff is yet. You gotta earn that. L8r!


Tuesday, February 21, 2006

San Francisco

San Francisco >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I’m going to be sick if I don’t get outta SF, it’s SO damn cold, I thought it would be an easy trip, take in the sights, eat some crab…whatever. The girl that I knew in grade school who lives here never returned my call before I left, so I ended up having to bunk in fleabag hotel in town. Man, they are SO many weird people here, it’s like I’ve landed on another planet, the lady at the desk spoke in some weird English that the fee for the night was $99.but then she charged me all this other crap on top of it. I’m not cheap or anything, but it was all I could get ‘cause there’s some convention for Microbiologists in town or something like that. Makes you not want to touch any door handles in this city.

What’s the saying “a good microbiologist washes their hands BEFORE and AFTER they use the bathroom”…sick, sick, sick.

So I had to find another coordinate for my next ‘gift’ for Dogpile, but there were too many people around. So I found a town known for it’s MILF’s so I thought I’d check it out, at least to get the job done.

The GG bridge is pretty cool, crazy to think that it only took them 4 years to build it, it’s bigger than I thought it would be.

So I got into the town and got a coffee and took in a movie, I saw the Woody Allen movie ‘cause I’m NOT going to pay ten buck to see two cowboys kissing and all that stuff. Not my thing. I went over to the beach, there were all sorts of birds there the only one I spotted was a Marbled Godwit, kind of a brown nervous thing.

It was strange coming out of the theatre in the afternoon, maybe that I should get used to about being unemployed, so I wandered around the redwoods to get this box out of my bag. Nice to unload the 'gifts' even after this short trip down the coast.

It’s so damn cold, I’m heading to warmer climes, and maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe Debbie is shooting some thing for Skating with the Stars, damn she’s so hot!



Seattle >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Since the car accident with my dads bimmer I’ve been living with my Uncle Emmett in Seattle. He’s a champion roaster for Starbucks or SB or something…he leaves me alone for the most part, except when he’s doing his damn tasting parties…

I hate coffee. And DAMN it rains a lot here, but not this evening it was clear and cold…but as long as it wasn’t raining I could get the job done.

Stay tuned I’ve gotta get outta town…


Wednesday, February 15, 2006


I thought long and hard about the best way to kick off my
adventures in retro-employment, maybe I watch too much TV, too much Comedy Central…Actually I don’t because Office Space was on AMC a week or so ago. I love that movie, probably because it’s so scary-real.

"What did you steal?"

"We'll call it a going away present."

*Office Space 1999

Today was my last day of work at, and like Peter, I decided to take a going away present. Only difference is, I took ten or so...

That's right Dogpile, the last laugh is on you. You may not be Inatech, but I think you said goodbye to the best tech guy you ever hired. Think you won’t be calling me back??? oh you’ll be callin…

Oh.. Dogpile is a search engine that’s all the search engines wrapped into one, a Google sort of company that existed before Google ever Googled…but better.

The peeps are pretty coolio at Dogpile, their programmers were nice to me, taught me a few things, but sometimes I kind of felt invisible, kind of like being around my super-capitalist-fat-cat dad….well, now that I think about it, just about my whole family ignores me.

Even after that time I drove over Mrs. Naiman’s cat statue next door with my dads BMW, they just called to tow truck and had him drive me to the airport.

Yesterday I was told it would be my last day working at Dogpile,,,which really really suks. It was kind of a McJob-temp thing, but I had hoped that’d it be more permanant. But they let me go. The suits were kind enough to NOT have me escorted out by security, and I was able to hold onto another persons temporary key card that I got when mine was being made. Their mistake.

So in the name of fun, and adventure, and Office Space, I decided to come back to the office after hours take a few going away presents. Armed with an open airline ticket, and a bag full of stuff. I’m going to see how good Dogpile is at finding THEIR stuff, not everybody elses…

You shouldn't ever keep the VPN login on a post-it just laying around. Does Lawrence ever clean up his desk? Yeahhhhhhh........right........

So Dogpile? You want your stuff back? Those company party pics that somehow went missing....that conversation about Silver that I recorded last Friday at happy hour when Bruce and Deana weren't looking....Thomas Brixley Lancaster, you may need to call Harvard about your diploma. HA-HA!

Come and get ‘em Arfie…Dogpile, if it’s not you, it’s the great webosphere’s turn.

I’ll post pretty soon when I’ve started the misson…stay tuned…
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